Thank you all for joining us! Welcome to the 2016 Browser’s Presidential Debate! We are joined by Google Chrome, Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Safari.
Okay, let’s have our opening statements. Internet Explorer, you first.
Internet Explorer: Hang on… loading… [long pause]… loading…
Um, we’ll move onto Google Chrome in the meantime.
Google Chrome: Yeah, hey. My coolness is known throughout the internet. I’m as cool as chrome… yeah…
Thank you, Google Chrome.
Internet Explorer: Loaded now. Yeah, um, Google Chrome stinks.
Was that your opening statement?
Google Chrome: Lemme respond!
Not yet, other opening statements- Safari.
Safari: Hello! I’m fast and have free savannah photos! Come on a safari with me!
Was that a Beach Boys quote?
Firefox: What’s up! I’m totally not cool! I’m hot! Blazin’ hot!
Okay, that will conclude our opening statements. Let’s get to the questions. What are your opinions on your users? What do you look for in a user?
Google Chrome: They’re really cool. Almost as cool as me. With all my features, that’s a compliment. [Crowd cheers]
Firefox: Y’know, there are plenty of hot topics out there, and this is one of them. The users have gotta exhibit the traits of a foxy dude- clever, sly, and awesome. [Crowd cheers]
Safari: You know, I really like my users, but there’s a whole world to explore. I look for those with adventurous heart, and also foreign language skills. It’s really annoying when I go on a Safari to Peru and can’t talk.
Internet Explorer: *The current server has failed. Please reload.*
Google Chrome: That’s really not cool, Internet Explorer.
Let’s move on. Internet Explorer- Critics have, well, criticized you for your lack of internet pictures of pears. What is your response?
Internet Explorer: *Wait, we are redirecting you to a new server. This will take a minute*
Firefox: Can I just come in here to say that I have tons of pictures of pears? Vote Firefox!
Until Internet Explorer comes around, let’s have a question from our audience. A more minor browser, Bing, has come to ask this important question.
Bing: Bing. Bing-bing. [Crowd gasps] Bing-bing-bing-bing. Bing… ba-bing.
Google Chrome: Wow, that was a touching story. Okay……….. can you repeat that?
Safari: That was an adventurous story, Bing. That appealed to me.
Firefox: Okay, hm… Bing? Ba-bing? Bling bing?
Bing: Bing. Ba-bing, da-ding.
Firefox: Ah, bling-da-ding doh.
Wow, truly amazing. Thank you Bing. Our next question is for Safari. You have been noted through polls to be used most on mobile devices. Why do you think this is so?
Safari: Well, to start with, I’m mobile, just like the phones. I’m also best buddies with Apple. I’m so inspired by their name. An apple is an excellent fruit for a safari. Anyway, I’m so fast, that the mobile phones admire me, unlike Google Chrome, who is “too cool” to be used by phones! [Crowd cheers]
Google Chrome, would you like to respond?
Google Chrome: Safari, dude, that was really mean. I think that we should be nice to each other. Right? Why not?
Okay, our next ques-
Internet Explorer: *Server loaded* Okay. Imma go eat lunch. [Walks offstage]
Ooooookaaaayyyyy… our next question is for Firefox. Firefox, how do you think you have revolutionized the internet?
Firefox: We’ve set the bar. We’ve revolutionized the internet.
Right, but how?
Firefox: Well, it was done through lots of hard work. But it tells our story- work hard, and soon, you’ll be on fire.
Our next question is for Google Chrome. What are your opinion on “googly” eyes?
Google Chrome: I dunno, but someone probably does. Google it. [Crowd cheers]
Safari: Yeah, google it! On my web browser! [Crowd cheers]
Internet Explorer: Back. Mm. Those pears were yummy.
Okay, thank you, Internet Explorer, that answers our first question. Let’s go onto our last question, and then the closing statements. The question is, how do you deal with trolls and web bullies?
Firefox: Well, I can’t do anything, but there are lots of safe protections you can put on your server.
Safari: You gotta take it like a strong person. In the unexplored, there’s no law. I like it. [Crowd cheers]
Google Chrome: These bullies and trolls need to be stopped! [Crowd cheers] It’s wrong what they do, and they shouldn’t do it! [Crowd cheers] Thank you!
Um, Google Chrome, you didn’t answer the question. How are you going to deal with them?
Google Chrome: They’re bad! Someone will do something!
That clears it up, thank you. Internet Explorer?
Internet Explorer: [displays Blue Screen of Death] *You’re computer is destroyed. With just a small fee, purchase a new one here.*
And now we move on to our closing statements. Google Chrome, you first.
Google Chrome: People ask me why I’m so generous. And I tell them, ‘I’m being generous? How?’ They then say that I’m fast and secure. And then I wink and tell them I do it because I’m so cool, I have more coolness to give. Vote me to be your president! Thanks all! [Crowd cheers]
Safari: You know, a lot of the important questions haven’t been asked here. “How are the elephants doing?” Or “What about the giraffes?” But the truth is, you don’t have to ask me. Just search by using me. And I promise you won’t be disappointed. Thank you. [Crowd cheers]
Firefox: Thank you everyone. Now let’s look at this: I got the fire. You got the wood. It’s time to come together and let it burn. Then we can roast marshmallows together. [Crowd cheers really loud]
And… Internet Explorer, buddy?
Internet Explorer: You know, sometimes you gotta be slow. Or you’ll end up running off cliffs. That’s what my campaign is about. Let’s take it slow.
Okay… that concludes our 2016 Presidential Browser Debate! Thank you!